AVATAR: movie review

I saw Avatar this afternoon with my cousins in historic ybor, which is actually the historic district of tampa, not a planet in star wars like I was lead to believe.  Anyways, the movie was so great I called up James Cameron and asked if I could get a copy of the script for my personal reading enjoyment, and this is what he sent back to me.

INT. MOVIE THEATER 1992

James Cameron sips on the dregs of a Mr. Pibb as the credits to “Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest” roll.

James: Holy shit! This movie was awesome! I bet it would be even better if it was live action and made by the guy who made Terminator!  Holy Shit!  I made Terminator!

INT. JAMES CAMERON’S HOUSE 1993

James Cameron takes a rip from Bertha, his hand blown 6-ft glass bong, as the credits roll on the season finale of Exo Squad, the short lived but highly influential cartoon.

[Editor's note: Heres a picture of an Exo Squad action figure for those who dont remember, which is probably everyone.]

James: Holy Shit!  This cartoon is awesome!  Its crazy to think that this takes place in the year 2154, and every character is actually way younger than me!  Even the old guys!  I should totally put the exo squad in my fern gully remake, but make them the bad guys!

INT. MOVIE THEATER 1999

Green symbols scroll down the screen to begin the end credits to “The Matrix”

James Cameron polishes off the last of a box of strawberry charleston chews with a Mr. Pibb

James: Holy Shit!  Imagine being like two different people at the same time, and one of them had to save the world for the other!  Thats fucking crazy and I could totally see it making sense in Fern Gully!  But wouldn’t it be way happier if one of them died the other one could still live on?  I love smoking pot before doing Fern Gully research! [Editor's note: James Cameron included in this script a footnote stating that every time he watched a movie between 1992 and 2007, he referred to it as "Fern Gully research"]

INT. JAMES CAMERON’S HOUSE 2002

James drinks a Mr. Pibb as he rewatches “T2: Judgement Day” for the 2876th time [Ed. note: factual number]

James: Balls this movie rules!  I should never make another movie without the Duh Duh DUH DUH DUH Terminator music! I was such an angry young filmmaker though, I should make sure to keep things happy.  Terminators scare me, and scary is no place for Fern Gully.

INT. MOVIE THEATER 2009

James Cameron lights a spliff as the end credits roll to “Terminator: Salvation”

James: How could they not ask me if Sam Worthington should be a Terminator?  Whose fucking idea was Terminator anyway?   Calm down James, you arent that angry young filmmaker anymore.  How does the new James handle this situation?  OK, lets give Sam a STARRING ROLE in Fern Gully….BUT, Ill make him play a paralyzed guy who falls in love with a blue alien that makes cat noises.  Thatll show Sam.

INT. FOX SPORTS NETWORK 2009

James Cameron pitches an idea to Howie, Terry and the boys.

James: So I made this movie called Fern Gully and its awesome! We should promote the hell out of it to football fans across america and Terry Ill even put you in an exosquad outfit in return!

Terry: James, Fern Gully was already a movie, it was made in 1992.  Everyone knows about it.

James: Shit Terry youre right.  When I started making this movie in 1993, I thought by the time it came out people would forget, but it looks like im the only one who forgot where this idea came from.  Maybe I should change the name to Avatar and put the weird guy from Dodgeball and Giovanni Ribisi in it and maybe people will forget my inexcusable error in judgment.

Terry: Yeah I dont give a shit put me in the robot.

END

And there you have it folks, the script James Cameron himself used to make the incredible movie Avatar.

By the way I was just kidding this movie is fucking awful.

Frank