(Pre) Movie review: THE GREY

In just under 4 hours, I will venture to the depths of the earth (manayunk) and fight off beasts of a primordial order (douchebags in manayunk) with nothing but the most primitive of weapons (alcohol and fists).  Thats right, im going to see The Grey on opening weekend.

And much like we have never before had the chance to watch Liam Neeson fight wolves, we have never seen me successfully review a movie before watching it.  I look at the Grey as the only challenge left for Liam, since hes already made every movie bad person on earth shit their pants at the thought of having to survive kidnapping his daughter or identity.  I look at reviewing this movie before seeing it as a similar challenge, since im pretty much known internet wide as the asshole who gave xmen origins:wolverine a better grade than that fucking (literally) shitty indian movie.  In other words, Im a genius. 

And away we go!

Liam Neeson is going to have some serious shit to say.  I bet hes got a very particular set of skills that allows him to accomplish what needs to be accomplished swiftly and deadly.  I bet he ends up in a very bad situation with some very bad people, who might seem like him on the surface but no! he is more than those other bad people.  I bet these bad people see the light.  But they die anyways because they didnt see enough light.   I bet Liam keeps his head on swivel fighting off these wolves.  I bet Liam makes Jeremiah Johnson look like a bitch in terms of how to fight wolves properly.  I bet I yell at some fucking asshole who wont shut up during the movie and make everyone im with feel uncomfortable.  I bet I say I hope I watch that asshole get hit by oncoming traffic and bleed out slowly.  I bet I say it loud enough for the asshole to hear me.  I bet I turn around and Liam Neeson is that asshole and Im like Oh.  Shit.  And finally I bet I wont be around to properly review this movie after watching it. 

Final Rating:

If we threw the football professionally, this is how we’d roll

I will not explain my decision making process here. Each person was heavily considered. Some connections are more obvious than others, regardless, you know exactly god damn why you are paired with who you are. And for you visitors out there, this is completely objective.

a

More thoughts on the Oscars

apparently one of the best actress nominees every year is reserved for the traditional “fattest grossest fucking human on the planet to be in a movie this year” nomination. 

HK On Joe Paterno

Frank:

Fish:

didn’t all football stadiums look like that in 1950?

and don’t all stadiums look like the one on the right?

the only thing different is the amount of rape

Tim and Frank on the state of the union

 Frank:  i do love the commentary on the SOTU address
people who agree with obama
uhh i mean democrats
“great speech, he makes a lot of great points”
republicans
who cant really disagree with a lot of the big ideas he has
“he knows this cant actually happen hes just saying it for votes”
and when bush made these speeches
it was the same comments just the R and D were switched
 Tim:  and when centrists like you and i
comment
we just hate it
no matterwho says it
 Frank:  hahaha yeah
exactly
 Tim:  we just want free megadeth concert tickets man, fuck a sustainable economic model
he doesnt listen to the people.
the people want dave mustaine.
 Frank:  the people want dudes who are angrier than them playing really expensive guitars really well through really expensive sound stages
hahahaha dude
imagine if obama went up
and thats all he said
and he flipped the microphone as he walked off the stage and put on some sunglasses
and just hopped into a mazerati with a bottle of crown royal
 Tim:  LOL
also hilarious
look at the name of the guy who wrote this article
http://newyork.timeout.com/music-nightlife/music/2521699/live-preview-megadeth
 Tim:  i wonder if hes from cleveland

Early Oscar Thoughts

Miller will surely get into more detail over this, but I cant but interject my own opinion on one very important subject.

HOW THE FUCK DID ANYONE DECIDE TO MAKE A SILENT FILM IN THE YEAR 2011?

And how the fuck do they expect me to believe its the best movie made this year when it is missing multiple of the core characteristics of a great movie?  Look at the other categories in the oscars. best sound editing.  best visual effects.  Movies are made to play on everyones super awesome HDTVs and sound systems.  But I could watch this movie on Bryan Rices fucking transistor radio.  It cant be good. 

F

NFC Championship: A Reaction Diary

This one will be sooooo much less involved than the AFC game.  There’s no way I can watch my team (The Giants) play for the Super Bowl without being completely engrossed in that.  Expect little from me in the way of commentary or updates.  I’m so nervous.

First of all.  49er fans just booed during the National Anthem when Giants players were on the big screen.  I hope they pay for their hubris.  Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are only slightly worse than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, who we are forced to watch in the baseball playoffs.  I hate everything to come out of SF that isn’t Joe Montana or Jerry Rice.

Q1:  (7:24) Two drives down and no score and nothing huge.  My blood-pressure is through the roof.  Fuck me.  Davis touchdown.  Like 800 yards.  No coverage.  God dammit, Enis Del Mar.  Also, don’t put yourself on a pedestal, Vernon Davis.  And stop crying while you’re at it.  Wow.  Way to cover all your bases, Mr. Referee.  I guess he wasn’t out.  Go get ‘em, Eli.

One almost turnover for the Giants followed by a turnover on downs for the Giants and then two almost turnovers by the Niners.  This shit cray.

First quarter over.  So fucking wet.  If only it could be snowy, but no, we’re in California.  Of course the weather makes no sense.

Q2:  (13:00)  Eli has as many passing yards on third down as the Niners team has in total yards in the game.  Unfortunately, the Niners got 73 yards on a touchdown play.  So who gives a shit.

Q2:  (11:15):  EEEEEEELLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The game is now 7-7.  I’m feeling much better.  And by that, I mean my BP is only 200 over 160 and my pulse has just dropped below 150 bpm.

Q2:  (7:23):  Chase made a hell of a block on that pass.  Alex Smith is resorting to designed run plays because he can’t pass.  Also, Vernon Davis is a douche of magnanimous proportions.  Smith got stopped short on his rush by JPP.  Delay of game by SF, now to punt to the G-Men.  My BP and BPM are dropping as we speak.

Commercial:  Disney releases a PG-13 movie?!  And if you thought that was the news, wait until you see the preview.  It’s an unapologetic amalgam of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, and Troy.  WTF?

Q2:  (1:49)  Somehow, the 49ers have gotten more than 50% of their yards on their scoring play of 73 yards.  As lame as this is, it doesn’t matter because the score is tied nonetheless.  Here comes Eli and the two-minute-drill without any timeouts.  We’ll see.

Q2:  (Eli-Time)  Cruz is catching some balls and Eli is putting the in the right places.  I’m pumped.  Delay of game, and Eli tried to call TO to no avail.  Eli throws a good one to Cruz but no first down.  Clocks it at 0:06 and Larry puts it through.  10-7, Giants.  0:02 left in the half.  Good coverage, please, and thank you.

Half-Time:  My mom just texted me, “Do you understand the commercial where the baby flies out of the swing?”  I replied, “No, I didn’t see it, and I don’t understand commerce in general.”  Also, Kiefer Sutherland’s son has 24 hours to not talk, look weird and Asperger-ific, and somehow save the world while Kiefer struggles to see the point of his own existence (I mean in real life (not the show)).  My mom texted back, “Interstate commerce?” and my existence makes sense.

(Ed. Note:  I’m getting pretty crazed about this game now, and am unfazed by even the most egregious Idol commercials.  I haven’t even registered any of the halftime commentary or the stats of the game or what is even going on.  I think the Giants get it first in the 2nd half, but I’m not even sure.)

Q3:  (12:45)  Frodo (Smith) tried to put on the ring, and Lord of the Nazgul (Tuck) and his henchman (Paul) made him pay and stabbed him with a Morgul blade.

(I will now only comment with movie references from here on out)

My wife just went to sleep, effectively leaving me alone at the Black Gate of Mordor after such a long journey.  Also, my Aunts dressed their dog in Giants gear and sent me the picture.  It’s fucking awesome.

Q3:  (7:00)  ”Do not adjust your TV set, Jacobs is not in slow motion.”  ~My Mom

Q3:  (5:18)  You have absolutely got to be fucking kidding me.  They get one fucking play in the first quarter and two fucking plays in the third and they’re somehow winning now?  What the fuck?  Also, they’re calling Davis’ game-winner last week “The Catch Pt 3″ ?!  I’d call it, “The We Somehow Won This Fucking Game By 2 After Winning The Turnover Battle By 4 And This Was The Easy Catch That Did It! PT I”

God Damn It, Enis Del Mar.  You never brought home a fish.  You never even took the price tag off the reel.  What were you two really doing out there?

Q3:  (1:05)  My brother, “Can they please start calling holding on the 49ers?”  Me, “Never happen, put it out of your head.”  Eli was lucky to not have a pick there, btw.

Q3:  (0:00)  Other lord of the Nazgul (Chris Canty) got called for a bs late hit at the end of the quarter.  Not sure the angle the NFL is playing here with Pats/Niners. I thought they would have settled on Pats/Giants or Ravens/Niners, but apparently they just never have love for the Giants.  Oh, well.  They’ll just have to win with no help again.

Commercial:  ”Man up and choose Miller Lite!” should not be a sentence.  I understand that there is a subject and a predicate, but this isn’t my point.  ”Man up and..” should be followed by the following:  take the shot, fuck her, fight him, kick some ass, and take it (whatever it may be).

Q4:  (11:06)  Now I’m confused.  The Niner dude clearly touched it and the Giant dude clearly picked it up and ran it into the end zone.  So what happens now?  It should be a Giant touchdown, but something tells me that’s not how it will go down.  Because the NFL sucks.

So, my theory is correct.  It wasn’t even close and hit BOTH of his fucking legs and the Giants didn’t get the call initially so that they couldn’t get the TD initially.

Q4:  (8:32)  Could the refs have wanted it more badly for SF?  No.  Could they have called a hold against the Niners 800000 times instead of the once against the Giants (which was a hold, I’ll admit)?  Yes.  Is Manningham the fucking man right now (other than Eli ,who is clearly the man all the time)?  Yes.  Am I still pissed at the refs for fucking this entire game up?  Yes.

Q4:  (5:39)  Harbaugh is pissed he didn’t get the timeout called.  The Giants are pissed they didn’t get ANYTHING called.  Including the double touch punt that was returned for a touch down and didn’t count.

Q4:  (3:12)  Fuck me in the head.  The 49ers suck and have the ear of the referees.  This is clear.  The game is tied and the Giants will receive the punt.  It’s Eli time.  We’ll see what happens.

Q4:  (1:47)  What the fucking fuck?  How is this possible?  This game is so fucked?  I’ll kill someone.  3rd and 10.  And they’ll get it.  And I’ll need a new computer.  And I’ll kill someone.  Fuck me in the head.  Holy shit!!!  4th and 10, there’s no way they go for it.  Giants Defense, ch ch ch ch ch!  Ok, I’ll handle myself.

Q4:  (Eli-Time) Big pass to Bradshaw followed by a small pass to Bradshaw.  Holy Shit, I will die tonight.  Fuck me in the head.

OT Coin-Toss:  Giants Win.  Shocker, they don’t defer.  I’m going to die. It’s not a question at this point.

Hahahahahahahahahahhaahhahaahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahaahhahahahahhahahhahahahhahahhhahahahahahahhaahhaahahhahahahhahahahahah,

49er fans thought they would win.  That’s funny to me.  Eli is so much better.  Also, the best NFL scenario happened out of the four available.  The two best QB’s in the league to face off and a rematch to boot?  So good.  Amazing!!!

~The Judge

AFC Championship: A Reaction Diary

The National Anthem was sung (screeched?) by Steven Tyler.  Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, you ask?  What could be more American?  I’ll tell you what:  Steven Tyler the American Idol Judge (as he’s more popularly known, apparently).  Joe Flacco’s (aka flaccid) mustache loves it, but you can tell Tom Brady (to be known as Sexy Tom or ST from this point forward) is pretty pissed off.  As a true Patriot (get it?) he will not stand idly by and let this shit happen.

As New England offered to defer, B-More gets the ball first.  A rush for no gain.  A dropped pass that was almost intercepted.  A Flaccid run for 5 yards.  If NE’s defense holds, this will be a slow day for B-More and Flaccid.

Sexy Tom opens with an 7-yard pass and then has his next pass deflected.  Then Ray Lewis (who is a murderer) hits him after an incomplete pass that was broken up by Ed Reed (who is a douche-bag).  Three-and-out.

At this point, if you’re wondering if I’ll be giving you a play-by-play for the rest of the game, the answer is no.  I just had to flex my football-announcer muscles real quick to give you an idea of my abilities.  Who knows what will come next?  I’m guessing as the game goes on it will be less dependent on football and more dependent on making fun of commercials and Flaccid’s mustache as well as pointing out how sexy Tom Brady is.

Q1:  (11:30)  Flaccid just got sacked on third and short and Sexy Tom  (ironically) just got hard.

Q1:  (7:46)  Welker just got jacked and the ball flew through the air and ST got intercepted.  Say it ain’t so.  Oh, it ain’t so.  No INT.

While nothing is happening other than ST’s domination of both the clock and the field, let’s take a moment to analyze our commentators.  Jim Nantz is as good as it gets in the game as far as play-by-play goes.  Like Al Michaels before his decline.  Pheel Seems is my favorite color guy.  Not only for his ability to win Super Bowls for the Giants but also for his spot-on Phil-osophy of the game.  Also, how he says eem instead of him.

Q1:  (6:00)  At this point, Sexy Tom has completed 6 passes to 6 different people.  He’s effectively spreading the sexiness around.  Unfortunately, he got sacked and was unable to find a wide-open Gronk in the end zone and then Ray Lewis killed one of the side judges and they had to settle for a field goal.

Commercial:  Apparently, through some weird string of conditional statements, if I don’t switch to DirecTV, my non-existent daughter will marry a good-looking dude in a leather jacket and I’ll have a cute grandson in a leather vest.  I’m not sure what’s happening, but I don’t think I’ll switch.  I should just get rid of TV in general at this point.

Commercial:  Journey 2:  The Mysterious Island (aka no one liked the original title, Jurassic Rock)

Aside:  I’m pretty sure Belichik’s plan for this season was to have his defense play shitty and watch Sexy Tom out-score everyone.  This way, everyone would think their defense was terrible and not worry about them.  Then, when the Playoffs happen, have his defense turn up the heat.  It has worked through 1 and 1/4 playoff games.

Q1:  (2:30)  Apparently, the Ravens’ strategy was to intercept ST and then fool no one (except the Patriot D) with a bootleg.  Flaccid is lucky NO ONE saw it coming because he under-threw Smith by like 11 yards.

Commercial:  The dad from Juno is a homeowner’s insurance aficionado.  Who saw this coming?  And why has it lasted so long?

Q1:  (1:51)  Michael Oher just got hurt.  Enter cursory Blind Side joke.  Thank you, Jim Nantz.

Debate:  Who is douchier?  Brady or Flaccid?  This being a Miller/Frank argument, there clearly can be no winner.  Frank says Brady’s Uggs make him the winner, I think the fact that Flaccid sucks and has a weird stache makes him the winner.  Make your choice.

Q2:  (10:35):  Dan Harness Blue Fellas just said, “You wanna fuck on me???”  Touchdown, New England.  10-7.

Commercial:  Apparently the only way to show your individuality in America anymore is to wear nearly identical shirts that help to sell Dr. Pepper.  As a fan of DP, I’m torn between forgetting about this horrible commercial and seriously considering switching to Mr. Pibb.

Q2:  (8:15):  Flaccid is thankful to have Boldin back.  In a big way.  As is Ray Rice, who at (7:15) just won the world-wide limbo competition for a first down.  It’s his birthday, they tell me.  Well, happy fucking birthday, Ray Rice.

Q2:  (3:20):  Flaccid threw a TD pass (somehow) and it was very unsexy.  Sexy Tom has been super sexy throughout this drive.  He’s emitting anger-induced sex-vibes at possibly being out-sexied by Flaccid’s unsexy self.  He will have to settle for a field goal.  Blue balls for Brady.  Flaccid’s mustache gets a chubby.

Q2:  (2:18)  Flaccid takes a SHOT and over-throws one up for Smith.  Two minute warning.  NE up 13-10.  Sexy Tom, still sexy.  Flaccid, still a douche-stache.  Stay tuned for the conclusion of the first half as well as my halftime report.

Q2:  Last Two Minutes:  Flaccid did some weird row-boat dance move, then threw to a Mormon from BYU like ten times in a row.  Welker swatted the punt out of bounds like he was pissed they let Edelman return the first two and he was getting even.  Sexy Tom takes a knee with 0:58 and two timeouts left because they stand to return the second half kickoff.  Boo.

First Half Analysis:  The Patriots are up by 3 points at the half, but that hardly tells the story.  Oh, hold on a sec, that tells the whole story?  You mean that all the other shit they talk about during these half-time shows has nothing to do with the outcome and only the score counts?  Stop it.  I refuse to be lied to.  Let’s lay it out team-by-team.  Lack of Gay Stache Factor:  Ad(vantage) NE.  Sexy Factor:  Ad NE.  Mormon Tight End Factor:  Ad BA.  Long RB Name Factor:  Ad NE.  Turnover Battle:  Ad BA.  Cutoff Sweatshirt Factor:  Ad NE.

OMG!  Best commercial ever!  Eli throws a pen to the Toyota dude and he helmet-catches it!!!  I had to cut my half-time analysis short for that. And it was worth it.

Halftime Show:  Boomer just decided that The Walter Payton Award wasn’t that much of an honor after all and awkwardly switched to game analysis.  Also, is Dan Marino no longer relevant because four people beat his records this year and he never even won a Super Bowl?  Finally, can we admit that Shannon Sharpe’s lisp detracts from everyone’s opinion of him.

Q3:  (9:00):  Sexy Tom still can’t sex it into the sex-zone.  His sex-quotient is becoming unsexy with his inability to finish the job.  Watch out, Giselle, I’m coming for you.

Q3:  (6:49):  Flaccid, despite his 70′s porn-star/gay ‘stache, has done a superb job of holding onto the football.  Also, who the fuck is the dude who keeps catching the ball?

Aside:  The Raven players have some weird fucking names.  LaDarius Webb, Vonta (pronounced Von-Tay) Leach, Haloti Ngata (I have no idea how this is pronounced), Blindside.  I mean, c’mon, Ravens.  What the fuck?

Q3:  (3:38):  Ttorreyy SSmmitthh (whose parents insist upon unnecessarily doubling every consonant in his name) just made a sick move to score a td for The Ravens.  Sexy Tom’s sex-factor is plummeting.  Flaccid’s will never go up until he shaves his pedophile boot-scrub.

Commercial:  I don’t know if I can marry you.  I’m just too white to admit that I can be in love with someone.  Maybe if I weren’t such an Upper-Middle Class, over-educated, white snob I would be able to admit that I can be married to someone and still have my own personality.  But, unfortunately, I am said snob and have been lead to believe that if I don’t establish myself as an individual by rock-climbing, driving a gas-guzzling SUV, and doing something unbelievably douchey like sky-diving, I’m forbidden to make a decision as life changing as marriage.  It’s not you, it’s me.

Q3:  (2:11):  Sexy Tom just shot a blood-load when he saw Woodhead fumble that kickoff, followed by Flaccid looking surprisingly strong on that QB sneak.  Expect illegitimate children if Brady doesn’t throw a TD-Pass soon.

Q3:  (0:24):  Holy Polish Broken Leg, Batman!!!

Q4:  (12:19):  ST’s sex-factor just went up exponentially.  No Gronk, no problem.  I’ll run that shit in.  My name is Sexy Tom.  What?  I didn’t get it?  It’s ok, Blue Fellas’ll get there.  What?  He didn’t either?  Oh, fuck this.  I’ll do it myself, again.  I swear to God, I can’t believe I have to save this team again.  My sexiness will prevail.

Q4:  (7:22):  Where’s your ‘stache now, Flaccid.  Spikes just picked you off.  And I’m sure his mouth/chin area looks better than yours.  You know how I know?  He doesn’t have your mustache.  That’s how.

Commercial:  Come On Peyton!  Poopa Johns?!  Poopa himself looks like King Koopa’s retarded snake cousin who can’t drink from a plastic bottle without looking like a child molester.

Q4:  (7:07):  Tit-for-tat.  Sexy Tom just fucked up and threw a pick for no reason other than he was trying to be sexier than his abilities.

Q4:  (4:24):  Ricky Williams somehow has fresh legs after running it ten times all season.  Both Nantz and Simms are somehow surprised by this.  Fuck me.

Q4:  (2:46)  Well, this game is over.  Barring the un-sexiest of performances by the sexiest man in football, NE will win this shit.  I’ll be half right on the day.  Frank will be upset.  R2D2 will still be on this Verizon commercial.  George Lucas will still have no soul.  May the force be with you.

~The Judge

ps:  Did you think I was nervous about making that call with that much time left and two Raven timeouts remaining?  I have two words for you:  Billy Cundiff.

Ridiculous Text Conversations: Part I

Frank and I are a couple of a-holes.  As you may have gleaned from our blog posts on the good ole HK site, we’re also quite opinionated.  Oftentimes, we argue for the simple sake of argument.  Taking the opposite side of what we believe just to get a rise out of the other.  Much like the PTI guys, only less rich and no one listens to our bickering.  We generally have these debates over text messaging and a recent one spawned the idea to transcribe the conversation for your pleasure.

F:  Saving Private Ryan is on and I don’t get why they continued making movies after it came out.

M:  Haha.  Probably so Daniel Day Lewis could dunk Paul Dano in mud and beat the shit out of him.

F:  Thanks for talking some sense into me.

M:  You’re welcome.

F:  Btw, I saw contraband.  It rules.  Not what I expected and not just saying it’s good cuz of Wahlberg.

M:  Yes you are.

F:  Nah dude, Phyllis even said it fucking ruled.  Giovani Ribisi is the bad guy.

M:  Maybe.  I’m unconvinced and will be until he delivers a strong lead performance.  Not just a good supporting role.

F:  This is his good lead role.  It’s a good fucking movie.

M:  Haha.  So to prove it I’d have to see it.

F:  You have no choice making statements like the one you’ve made, haha.  Also does Boogie Nights somehow not count as a strong lead role?

M:  I feel like that’s more ensemble cast type shit.  And I’ll give you your first statement.

F:  He’s still the main man, and I’ll always say Invincible and Shooter are great too.

M:  Gay and action.  Easy to command action movies and sports movies.

F:  Boooooo

M:  You know it’s true.  John Cena commanded an action movie.

F:  Woooooow.  You can’t go there.

M:  I did.  Haha.  Just to prove an action movie point.  Clearly he’s better than that, but I remain unconvinced of his star power.

F:  Even after he said he would have defeated the terrorists on 9/11?  Just sayin.  haha

M:  That just makes him sound stupid.

F:  Or like an action hero.

M:  Ok. Fair.  A stupid action hero.

F:  Other than Liam Neeson there’s no such thing as a smart one.

M:  Haha.  True.  Maybe so.

F:  hahaha.

M:  This is the list and the list is good.

~The Judge and F-Man-F

Brian Williams is Frangry, Too

Since there’s been a lot of franger going on about the HK crew lately, and even franger about the definition/acceptable use of the word, I thought it would be great to bring up Hipster-Newscaster Brian Williams’ most recent struggle with franger.

If anyone watched SNL this weekend, they probably said, “Who the fuck is Lana Del Rey?”  Then, when they heard her since said, “What is this?!”  And rightfully so.  She’s on the up-and-up and Video Games is a pretty sick song, but wow.  SNL?!  A musical spot reserved for at least credible indie mainstays if not FUCKING HUGE names and to top it off, she was terrrrrrrrrrible.

Interscope must be pushing for LDR hard, because they’ve got her set up on SNL, Ellen, and just about every other talk show imaginable.  Here’s the rub:  she really sucked on SNL.  Like worse-than-Ashley-Simpson-lip-syncing-then-doing-a-jig-off-stage sucked.  I had to play the original version of Video Games for my wife to convince her that it was, in fact, a real song and LDR wasn’t just making it up on the spot.

Now, enter Brian Williams, who in a “confidential” email to a friend and blogger quoted, “Brooklyn hipster Lana Del Rey had one of the worst outings in SNL history last night– booked on the strength of her TWO SONG web EP, the least-experienced musical guest in the show’s history, for starters…”

That’s powerful franger my friends.  (1) It’s completely unwarranted.  The credibility of the musical performance section of SNL is hardly sacred ground that LDR soiled.  She just sucked.  (2) It’s unnecessary.  Williams is right, but who gives a shit.  Bon Iver is gonna tear that shit up next week and everyone will forget about how shitty LDR was.  (3) It’s awesome.  I love Brian Williams.

Keep it frangry, friends.

~The Judge